Absent Appetite
2/28/10 • Categorized as All FeaturesAbsent Appetite
A sexy man’s lips
An early bonus
A 1967 convertible, black Ford Mustang
A picturesque landscape
– are all ways to satisfy the lingering urge your libido, wallet, ego, or eyes crave. Satisfying an appetite for food is hard when your insides are riddled with ulcers – also brought on by
A sexy man’s cheating lips
A deflating bank balance
A stolen car
A town resembling a snow cone made of shit
When a random palm reader approached me at a gas station at 2 a.m. on 18th and M, and proceeded to read my palms, she said, “Your stomach is hurting.”
“Yes, actually,” I replied.
“Where?” she inquired.
I pointed to an area right below the ribcage at the center, above my midriff.
“Ah. Yes, somebody is jealous of you. This is why your stomach hurts,” the mystic said. “Give me $40 and I will use a crystal to rid you of the negative energy.”
Was the cause of my pain someone’s jealousy? Maybe. Was it the Jumbo Slice pizza I just ate? Definitely.
When old, wandering, clairvoyant women stop to inform you of your troubled digestive system, or Pepto Bismol’s “Heartburn, nausea, indigestion, upset stomach, DIARRHEA” jingle sounds awfully close to yours – “Heartbreak, nightmares, intoxicated, under stress, DISILLUSIONED” – it’s time to recover your diet.
STOP:
Eating the same chicken salad from California Tortilla at lunch every day, to the point where the cashier starts ringing up your order as soon as he sees you walk in the door. Predictable palate: OUT. New appetite: IN.
Popping painkillers on an empty stomach and then downing them with coffee, although this is what you’ve been calling your breakfast/hangover-remedy for the past 4 years.
The dress-orexia. You know, the I’m-not-eating-much-today-so-I-can-fit-into-that-almost-not-even-there-dress-tonight mindset. Exercising to lose that ballooning bulge you’ve graciously acquired, devouring unnecessarily fatty foods during the snow days, would be a plus.
START:
Eating something entirely new at the risk of vomiting while still chewing that roasted duck with plum sauce, as the server anticipates your uncontested approval.
Embracing entrees that sound exceptionally scary or intimidating – especially if the menu descriptions are in a language you don’t understand, with ingredients you’ve never heard of.
Experimenting. Try the weird stuff first— it makes the yummier taste even better, like leftovers and year-old condiments from Wendy’s and Burger King found tucked underneath the driver’s seat of your car, or a bag of birdseed, or indulging in that sudden misconceived notion that you’re good at cooking anything naked.
Most importantly, reclaim your digestive track. Get your hunger back. Do it for your punctured stomach lining, your persistent heart, your naughty parts, your forgotten talents, and your day-to-day.
Get Xahira off: do some shots, dance to the Kings, don’t get soft. Send love, beats, and polaroids.
