– An Easy Spread –

When I was a pre-teen, a good friend introduced me to a novel new way to eat bread. He reached inside his fridge and took out…a salad dressing bottle? I was skeptical as he delicately poured the dressing on the bread. Disgusted. Aloof. Eyebrows raised, I watched him begin to eat.

And then I let him talk me into trying it.

In a word, it was amazing. Nicely warmed, the bread and butter melted in my mouth. The Italian dressing poured on top perked every taste bud I possessed into sensuous pleasure.

I was hooked. I struggled for words to describe the flavors exploding in my mouth, the crust crunching between my teeth, the deliciously warm goodness sliding down my throat…

“This is…AWESOME.”

I am not much of a foodie now—I was even less of one then. Yet in the decade or so since that fateful day, I’ve become an addict of the salad dressing/bread entree. I have to report that the heady pleasure of my initial encounter has not diminished one bit. The taste of fresh homemade bread is a fix that sends me into rhapsodies of delight. And if Italian restaurants provide olive oil and freshly grated cheese to dip their bread into, I figure using salad dressing to drizzle my bread isn’t that serious of an abuse.

At the very least, I keep bread nearby when I’m finishing off my salad. Nothing cleans up the straggling, Caesar-soaked strands of lettuce left on a plate like a nice chunk of wheat bread. Roughage and carbs—what could be better for you?

In all honesty, I don’t pretend my obsession is the healthiest of dietary choices. There’s a good reason why dressings taste good on carbs—fat. Looking in my fridge, I take a quick gander at some of the labels:

• Lite Raspberry Walnut Vinaigrette – 6g
• Peppercorn Ranch – 11g
• Classic Caesar – 12g
• Olive Oil and Vinegar – 16g
• Chunky Blue Cheese – 16 g

And that’s just in two tablespoons (which, let’s face it, is only a starting point). Thank ye culinary gods for the boon of my gene-given aggressive metabolism…especially since I need to move on to my next confession.

I love to slather other condiments on bread as well.

Mayonnaise is veritable nectar of the heavens as far as I’m concerned (20g of fat per 2 tbsp—no wonder). I have a particularly unsettling habit of preparing tasty spreads based around mayo. A spot of sweet red BBQ sauce (surprisingly, completely free from fat, for the record) swirled nicely in a gentle white bed of mayo is not only aesthetically psychedelic, but is pure dipping pleasure for bread stuffs. A1 provides a tangier variation to this theme, while hot sauce can be a nice kick between the teeth. Of course, any one of these elements taste darn good as an easy spread on bread, as well.

Grossed out yet?

Salsa can also be combined with ranch or mayo dressings to make a surprisingly complex taste experience. Just don’t look at it for too long or even remotely, tangentially, dimly think of the words “vomit” or “afterbirth.” (In general, I’ve discovered it’s a good idea to not think of those terms whenever using a tomato-based product).

No matter what you call it, however, it still tastes…good.

I haven’t even mentioned adding in the wonders of melted cheese yet.

Next month: blogging the Bacon Explosion ™ experience.

About Food You Hate to Love:A monthly column discussing personal absurdities in (not so fine) cuisine affection.

When he’s not clogging his arteries with fat, Josh likes to overpower his eardrums with loud music and squint into cameras.

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