– An Easy Spread –

Ahh, velveeta. Cheese of my childhood! So swift to melt—in my mouth, on my food, over my clothes…Who knows what else I would have eaten if it weren’t for the assurance that once you were in our fridge, you’d be there for many more months of preservative-insured longevity! Fifth grade just wouldn’t have been the same without you…

Whenever I talk about Velveeta, I get quite the reaction from people. My vegan friends lower their eyebrows and flare their nostrils and talk about the movie Food, Inc. and the evils of global conglomerates like Krafft. My “foodie” friends just shake their head pityingly at my horrific taste. My wife begins looking up divorce lawyers…

I recently polled some friends at school, asking for their absolute best Velveeta ideas. Stimulated by a long day of studying, they shared these nuggets—err, golden slices—of wisdom with me…

Top Ten Alternative Uses

10). Mummy wrapping
Easily sliced and full of all kinds of preservatives, what could be a tastier way to slide into the afterlife? If you stuck the body into some sort of microwave, you could just put blocks of velveeta on top and let it melt all over.

9). Time capsule
Fold up some important documents, stick them in some plastic, and shove them into a block of the yellow stuff. Apply a bit of heat around the entry point and it’ll seal right back up.

8). Rodent bait
Don’t waste that deli cheese! Easy to knife off and put on the trap, what could be better?

7). Gateway dru—err, food
For ironic hipsters looking to experience trailer-park cuisine.

6). Burglar deterrent/booby-trap
Before going to bed, just put it somewhere near the door for them to stumble over or…

5). Missile
…put it in your night-stand ready to throw at any unwelcome intruder (including the cat).

4). Sculpture material
Even easier to carve up than soap with that shiny new boyscout knife.

3). Eraser
Must be allowed to sit out on counter for five months first to get the full effect.

3). Car battery
Microwave in a bowl, add some hot sauce, and you’re good to go.

1). Doorstop
‘nough said.

Their sarcasm aside, there are a number of suitable uses for Velveeta—at least in my mind and to my tongue.

Top Ten Food Uses

10). Melt and use as a vegetable dip.
Dig those carrots in deep.

9). Melt on top of bread, add some pepperoni…
And voila, pizza!

8). Salsa and cheese dip
Swirl some cheese in with the salsa and you got one heckuva a dip for just about anything.

7). Mac and cheese enhancer
Don’t settle for ordinary—cheesier is better.

6). Chocolate Cheese fudge
Courtesy of Paula Deen. Yep, it’s good.

4). Grilled cheese
Speed up that grilling process with a guaranteed even spread of cheese.

3). Velveeta apple pie dip
No, really. Read about it here and don’t look too long at the photo.

2). Chili melt
Cheesy beans!

2). Hamburger cheese
Tried and true, a perfect use of the cheese.

1). Nachos!
The all time classic.

At the end of the day, there’s no denying the truth–Velveeta’s an easy spread.

To read more about the history of this famous cheese “food,” check out the Official Velveeta Site.

What’s your favorite alternative use for Velveeta? What do you like to eat it with?

When he’s not clogging his arteries with fat, Josh likes to overpower his eardrums with loud music and squint into cameras.